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I am shedding veils of purity that I wrapped around myself and my body to get love from my mother and father. These clinging veils, musty and thick with guilt, have shielded my Heart and kept my sexuality swaddled in shame and fear. To Daddy, my sexuality was dangerous. He feared I'd be spoiled by boys who had only one thing on their minds. Somehow he'd lose me to them if I was a sexual being. Mom judged my sexuality, calling me a slut when she found me making out with my high school sweetheart. We had all our clothes intact and were merely kissing passionately---but she dragged me away from him by my hair cursing my natural expression of Love. I was all the more humiliated because I was pure, still a virgin and very protective of my body.
I have kept my sexuality cloaked in purity
to appease my parents, my good-girl persona, my spiritual
arrogance, my religious imprinting. To be pure was a weapon.
I could tease and withhold, push away and entice. I could be
stainless and sterile, safe and cool. I could make love to fantasies
of Hindu Gods of eroticism.
I could offer my body in impersonal
Tantric Sex Rituals and breathe my sexuality into my brain and
out of my body into the cosmos. But to lose control
and explode into orgasmic fire, staying in my body--this is a
new pathway. Can I be sacred
and profane? Can I fuck and make love simultaneously? Sometimes
these days I feel like a slut. I wonder if I am being used to
satisfy my lover's sexual hunger. Yet, I also use him--exploring
this freedom to fuck without shame,
commitment, or expectation. I feel like a sacred prostitute.
My sexuality is less precious and even more powerful. It is passion
that I churn into Divine
Love, like milk that is churned into butter.
The veils of purity which covered my fear
are falling away. I have burned through fear of abandonment,
jealousy, possessiveness, control,
and manipulation,
revealing my raw, sacred desire to feel pleasure. It is a process
of exploration, of tasting many fruits---erotic touch, playful
caressing, tender kisses, powerful deep penetrations, primal
surges of cries, groans, moans, laughter; silent breath exchanged
from his mouth into my heart,
from my mouth into his heart. Circulation of Love
taking me into the vibration
of my cells, pulsating
with light. My body alive is Love. My body alive is sacred and
deserves to be flooded with pleasure.
My sexuality is creativity. I can exchange it with men and awaken and nurture their creativity. I can exchange it with women and receive soft sensual delight. I can direct it into my artistic work. I can dance it and sing it. I can teach from a place of passionate arousal. My sexuality opens doorways into my emotions. Because I consciously choose how to express my sexuality, I can use it to consciously feel and embrace my emotions and the emotions aroused in my lovers. I am embracing all levels of my sexuality. From the panting breath of its physical fire, to its emotional ecstasy and desire, to its mental creativity, to its spiritual bliss and love, to its soul-filled, impersonal nature. I pour out my nectar to be drunk, to birth worlds, to plant seeds of transformation, to bless, to create myself over and over again in the Divine Dance of Life.
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