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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
| 1. | Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. |
| 2. | There are 10 commandments, not 12. |
| 3. | There are 12 disciples, not 10. |
| 4. | Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. |
| 5. | Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. |
| 6. | We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. |
| 7. | The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook. |
| 8. | David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. |
| 9. | When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. |
| 10. | We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". |
| 11. | When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." |
| 12. | The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." |
| 13. | The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. |
| 14. | Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
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