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THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES & COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21 1998 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE:
| 1. | I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. |
| 2. | Wholly responsible for two(2) failed financial institutions. |
| 3. | It's best for employers that I not work with people. |
| 4. | I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. |
| 5. | I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. |
| 6. | My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. |
| 7. | I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. |
| 8. | Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. |
| 9. | Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. |
| 10. | Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. |
| 11. | Marital status: often. Children: various |
| 12. | Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions. |
| 13. | The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. |
| 14. | Finished eighth in my class of ten. |
| 15. | References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. |
THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
| 1. | Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. |
| 2. | His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. |
| 3. | I would not allow this employee to breed. |
| 4. | This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. |
| 5. | Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. |
| 6. | When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously there. |
| 7. | He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. |
| 8. | This young lady has delusions of adequacy. |
| 9. | He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. |
| 10. | This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. |
| 11. | This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. |
THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS OR OERS (OFFICERS EFFICIENCY REPORTS):
| 1. | Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. |
| 2. | Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. |
| 3. | A room temperature IQ. |
| 4. | Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. |
| 5. | A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. |
| 6. | A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. |
| 7. | A prime candidate for natural de-selection. |
| 8. | Bright as Alaska in December. |
| 9. | One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. |
| 10. | Donated his body to science before he was done using it. |
| 11. | Fell out of the family tree. |
| 12. | Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. |
| 13. | Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. |
| 14. | He is so dense, light bends around him. |
| 15. | If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. |
| 16. | If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. |
| 17. | If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. |
| 18. | If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. |
| 19. | It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. |
| 20. | One neuron short of a synapse. |
| 21. | Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. |
| 22. | Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. |
FROM THE YEAR-END PERFORMANCE REVIEWS:
| 1. | He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless. |
| 2. | I would like to go hunting with him sometime. |
| 3. | He has been working with glue too much. |
| 4. | He would argue with a signpost. |
| 5. | He has a knack of making strangers immediately. |
| 6. | He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room. |
| 7. | He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company. |
| 8. | When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. |
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