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WHAT WOMEN BRING
Up North: Chap stick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vitton duffel with 2 lipsticks, powder, mascara, concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary-that's what dates are for.
FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Platt.
Down South: Expect their daughter to understand pass interference.
ATTIRE
Up North: Male & Female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male - pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with fraternity logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxfords.
HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a physics major
Down South: Also Miss USA
GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
PARKING
Up North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend's festivities.
TAILGATING
Up North: Raw meat on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom team mascot-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You have to ask, 'Where's the stadium?' When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.
CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot - filled less than halfway to leave room for bourbon.
WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half-full.
Down South: 100,000+ fans sing along in 3-part harmony.
COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: "Nice play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!"
COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!"
AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker.
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon,
planning begins for next year's party.
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