BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- when I catch a cold, I will need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - how the heck could HE know where we're going?

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

BECAUSE I'M A GUY -- and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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