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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrot exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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In light of the rising frequency of human/bear conflicts, the rangers at Glacier National Park are advising hikers and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise them to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
In addition, it is a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
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A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard. He gives the rooster a pep talk. "Now Randy, I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun."
Randy seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy takes off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times. The farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy down by the lake, after a flock of geese. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese!
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive - animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer!"
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A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "Hello Mate! Good looking dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid idiot."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going, old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (pointing at Welshman)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Welshman)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Welshman: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "The sheep's a f*cking liar"
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