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Ascension Meister here. Today I want to discuss the raising of children in contemporary society. Children are a precious commodity. We must not squander our opportunity to create the "perfect child". They need to be raised by couples trained at the Ascension Meister School For Homeo Husbandry. In other times, children were created to carry on the bloodline and to work to support the family. However, kids, these days, are mostly concerned with buying designer tennis shoes and excelling at Nintendo. Since kids probably don't know who their real father is anyway, why not have them taught by specialists trained at The Ascension Meister School For Homeo Husbandry. Children, if raised correctly, can provide years of fun, enjoyment and, incidentally, pay handsome dividends in your declining years when you will need them to shop for you or pick up after you. And who knows, maybe they won't have to turn out spiritually bereft with tons of karmic debt like their unfortunate predecessors, you, My friends.
By agreeing to have your kids raised by trainers from The Ascension Meister School For Homeo Husbandry, you are guaranteeing a much brighter future for all of us. Your children will benefit from learning such skills as obedience, subservience, how to fetch, and where to hide when the CPS (Child Protective Services) worker comes to investigate why they're not in school. Just think of all the time you'll save for YOUR important interests. Now, you can have kids and have a life, too. Won't that be great! Take the time to fill out the handy questionnaire and please indicate method of payment. Say goodbye to worries and fears about your child's future. He/She is in safe hands with The Ascension Meister School For Homeo Husbandry. We are a non-profit, (fully tax deductible), organization dedicated to improving family life for an unenlightened society through The Teachings of the Master, Ascension Meister.
| "If you give a child a fish, he can eat for a day. If you teach him to fish, he can feed a family of six for a lifetime." |
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Listen to these REAL testimonials: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Ascension Meister. Our kids turned out better than we expected. Now, they EVEN do windows. Ha Ha
Shucks. I now feel ready to give my little Sadie's hand in marriage to my brother, Wilbur.
Ascension Meister, you're the best. My children, Star Wind and Peaceangel, are ready to create heaven on earth for all of us. Namaste.
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| 1. | Number of children applying:__________________________________ | ||||||||
| 2. | Names, nicknames, pet-names or numbers that the children answer to:____________________________________________________ | ||||||||
| 3. |
List specific problem areas for each child such
as: hates homework, won't work full time, poor toilet habits,
bruises easily, picks nose, bleeds, whines... |
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| 4. |
Indicate number of minutes spent each day nurturing
and loving each child:
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| 5. |
Your child comes home from school one day complaining
that a strange man has been following her around, offering candy,
and trying to get her into his car. Your first response is:
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| 6. |
Your child reports that he found a box of money
in some bushes. You should:
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| 7. |
Your child comes to you asking where he came
from. You say:
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| 8. |
Your child finds your vibrator in the closet
and asks you what it's for. You say:
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| 9. |
Your young son inquires, "Why does Uncle
Bob always come over when Daddy's away on business?" Your response:
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| 10. |
You're coaching your son's Little League game,
and he strikes out with bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth,
and you lose the League championship. You console him with:
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| 11. |
You get a call from the school nurse informing
you that your child is infested with lice. You respond with:
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| 12. |
Your kid comes home with all Fs on her report
card. You say to her:
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| 13. |
Your little boy tells you he has a friend that
no one else can see who talks to him. Your reply:
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| 14. |
Your teenage son tends to spend a long time in
the bathroom. You say to him:
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Methods and Options for Payment:
| 1. | Your Soul - gift wrapped and hand-delivered to the Meister Himself by you or a representative of yourself. |
| 2. | 500 gazillion pesos. |
| 3. | A guaranteed ten years of voluntary servitude from one of your future, or past, lives. |
| 4. | Two front row tickets to a World Wrestling Federation/Barb-wire Death Match in Quicksand Event 2000. |
| 5. | Four (4) vestal virgins trained in The Ascension Meister's School of Sexual XTC, available each Solstice and Equinox during the year 2000, for His Hole-y Bliss. |
| 6. | One avoirdupois gallon of still-warm human semen. |
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