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Greetings beloved flock 'o my heart. Many of my devoted faithful have from time to time inquired as to what my daily regimen looks like. As many of you know, Avatars are able to accomplish miracles without really doing much of anything that faintly resembles work. It really is the price of selflessness - which I am happy to pay daily, thank you very much. Because MY work is so vitally important to the cosmic evolution of this sub-species, I enlist My students to perform seemingly menial and absurdly, dubious "tasks" to assist Me, the Ascension Meister, in saving humanity for them. I mean really, if I had to feed Myself, what time would that leave for altruistic benevolence to the hopelessly downtrodden? These devoted and humble souls service their Meister as installment payments on long overdue karmic debts. But the real secret is that they get to remain in close proximity and within love's reach of an Enlightened Being such as, Yours Truly.
Monday begins in Samadhi and ends in Nirvana with a few cosmic orgasms tossed in for good measure. The first rays of light steam in through the stained-glass image of Me, the Ascension Meister, casting a multicolored hue on the wall over My head. My Spirit rises to the occasion and I fetch My handmaiden for her in-depth lesson on service to God. Sometimes, it seems all I do is teach, teach, teach. Ah, but as a World Savior, I bravely face My toil in holy service. Ascension Meister truly knows the benefits of hard, sweaty labor.
After this lesson, I Am bathed and dressed in lavish imported silk garments by a coterie of My favorite chelas. To be in service to Me is such a blessing. I continually reiterate this to My brood. I Am then escorted to My breakfast patio overlooking the beautiful valley of My dominion where I, The Ascension Meister, rummage through the mishmash of lost souls in dire need of My gifts, too numerous to mention here. Breakfast, today, consists of spam, eggs, toast, and a green power concoction consisting of fruit juice and algae skimmed from our very own pond by My loyal chef, Chewy. Surrounded by My staff, I plan the rest of the day's activities, which may consist of some serious water play in My Olympic sized pool, massage therapy, one on one meditation training with some of the newer female devotees, horseback riding to examine the grounds of the estate, and frequent rest periods so that I, The Ascension Meister, can replenish the Divine energies that allow Me to be there for so many.
On Tuesday afternoons, I, The Ascension Meister, meet with My advisory team: My stockbroker, My financial advisers, My psychiatrist, My astrologer, My team of lawyers, My fitness trainer, and My personal golf pro. These meetings help the Master manage the empire that has flourished around this humble and devoted servant of God.
Wednesdays find Me on My private tennis courts spreading the message of love and teamwork. I heartily encourage My followers to shag errant balls knowing full well that these small gifts that I bestow reap enormous dividends toward their eventual Enlightenment. Service, anyone?
Thursdays may include hosting visiting dignitaries and holding darshan for My beloved disciples. Upon arising, I choose a vehicle from My fleet of Model A's and Studebakers. I then drive thoughtfully through the grounds herding up My flock like so many wandering sheep. I think I know what Jesus went through. Only I believe He used nets or something like that. After assembling all of the congregation, we gather in the huge outdoor pavilion where I give audience and allow all to prostrate themselves at my Birkenstock-adorned feet. Energies of Love and adoration flow freely while I share My bliss enthusiastically.
On Fridays, (financial integrity day), part of my morning is spent going over My portfolio with My broker. As Ascension Meister, I certainly do appreciate all the many tax deductible " love offerings" that are sent to Me in care of My accountant. My many offshore holdings are filled with the bounty of your most generous blessings. I salute you. Amen. I find Friday afternoons are wonderful times to spend with my children whose mothers I have come to Love as any good father does. They, wanting to serve God to the fullest, had asked for the privilege of continuing The Ascension Meister bloodline. We are one big happy family.
Saturday is the day I spend in solemn prayer and meditation. Basking au natural on My private sundeck affords Me the time to contemplate My wonderfulness and how I might better serve mankind. This day I completely abstain from all but the most necessary intimate encounters. Sunday is the day when we, here at the retreat center, experience The Ascension Meister Cosmic Love Feast. Saturday I spiritually prepare Myself and the energies for the next day's physical exertions.
Touchy-feely Sunday. The Ascension Meister Cosmic Love Feast - when two or more are gathered is unity in action. Spread your love in a group grope. If you are shy about exposing yourself to others it will be difficult for Ascension Meister to assist you in reaching Enlightenment in this lifetime. Your body is a temple so let Me, Ascension Meister, worship there. Only I can bring you to your fulfillment. I help you to complete your Soul agreements in a timely fashion. Sacred Sex, when two or more are gathered, is a long held tradition by the most evolved societies as it makes it possible for large groups of God-seekers to experience the bliss of naked encounters with God, Myself. In these encounters we are learning how to experience non-attachment to others including our wives, girlfriends, significant others, and our guru. Great lessons, indeed! Once again Ascension Meister stresses the importance of following one such as I Who has been trained in other lifetimes in the secret arts of group lovemaking to bring seekers to peak experiences. These trainings may include such esoteric techniques as "sitting on the throne", "oral geography", "take a dip in the DNA pool", "the gauntlet of Love", and "wave the magic wand". Ascension Meister will take you step by step through the process of how to awaken the Kundaweenie within. Sign up now for the upcoming Sex Intensive with the Master of Erotic Art, Ascension Meisterrrrrrrrrrrr!
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