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Many years ago in a faraway land there lived a peasant shoemaker named Joaquin. Joaquin lived with his feeble spouse Esmerelda. They were a simple folk with humble roots and wanton desires. Yeah, they were wanting a son badly so's Joaquin could pass down to his progeny the secrets of his trade. Lord knows they had tried again and again to create a family, but to no avail. It seems Joaquin had a rather severe shortcoming and Viagra had not yet been invented. This unhappy couple pleaded and begged God to deliver them from their bleak and miserable childless existence.
One night, Esmerelda had a dream. A large, rather studly angelic messenger by the name of Bubba appeared before her. Esmerelda was enraptured by this heavenly hunk of raw Love. She swooned at his mighty presence. Bubba shared that he was here to deliver a rather large endowment from the Big Kahuna, Who had obviously overheard their anguished pleas. And with that, he proceeded to bestow his grace firmly upon her. Esmerelda writhed under the onslaught of Bubba's holy deliverance. Bathed in the fire of his divine emission, she squealed at the culmination of a message dutifully received to the hilt. "Wow!", she proclaimed. Esmerelda turned over and slipped back into a fitful slumber fully aware of a peculiar presence implanted deep within her being.
As the days passed, Esmerelda succumbed to a growing desire to eat raw oysters and curdled goat cheese. The "presence" inside her continued to grow day by day. Her dreams intensified. She fantasized about giving birth to a world famous shoe peddler. The passing days soon turned to months as Esmerelda struggled with the chore of carrying the now very "heavy" presence continuing to grow within her. "Gee, I seem to be gaining a lot of weight lately. Maybe I need to go on a diet". She seemed to not have a clue as to what was happening inside her. Eventually, one of the townspeople took her aside and explained the rudiments of childbirth and such. "But we haven't had sex. How can I be pregnant?" she questioned her friends. Because they lived in a small town, Joaquin's "difficulties" had become common knowledge to nearly everyone. People began wondering just who was responsible for fathering her child to be. The townspeople, being a rather religious, hysterical bunch, just figured that it was the angelic visitation she had spoken of some nearly nine months ago. Oh right, she had been impregnated by an angel heavensent by God Himself to give birth to a famous leader who would save the world from the tyranny of the time. This later would be deemed "The Immaculate Misconception" when it was determined that the angel had really been instructed to visit her twin sister, Mary, who lived in the next town. Apparently the holy wires had gotten crossed between heaven and its no. 1 angel. When God found out, holy thunder roared. This incident came to be known as the Original Sin. The embarrassed and distraught angel was rudely banished from Heaven for his "honest" mistake. Lucifer was indeed cast out, and no one seemed to know where the hell he ended up.
Anyway, Esmerelda continued to expand and prepared to deliver the mysterious stranger in her womb. In quiet moments, she believed she could discern distinct yodeling coming from inside her. As the day of birth neared, word spread throughout nearby villages that there was to be born a Savior, a King of Kings, a Man amongst men, and a world class fisherman to boot. Joaquin had even fashioned rubber wading booties as a tribute to the birth of the Chosen One. Unbeknownst to him, it was to be his own son, sorta. As luck would have it, just prior to the grand event, they got tossed from their cozy flat because of unpaid back rent. They found themselves out on the road. Esmerelda, with child, riding a mule, and Joaquin walking alongside. All the inns were full so they found a barn that was cheap. Esmerelda lay down and got ready to deliver the goods. Off in the distance, a spotlight appeared that led a caravan of stoned Greatful Dead fans who arrived to party, play guitars, and smoke incense. They had heard rumors of the reincarnation of Jerry Garcia and were led to bring tie-dyed gifts, herbs, and hits of blotter acid to honor the newborn King. As the baby made his grand entrance, he momentarily choked on the second hand smoke as a new day dawned for humanity. Ascension Meister had arrived.
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