Ascension Meister's Vestal Virgin Eroticum Beauty Extravaganza crowns the TRUE embodiment of sensuality, holesomeness, altruism, and the best pair of tits and ass money can buy. Those other amateurish rip-offs don't have a fuckin' clue as to what "crowning glory" really is. I, Ascension Meister, created the genre that celebrates the honoring of female eroticism. It was I who invented the hymen lick maneuver. Who do you suppose created cherries jubilee? Virgins, the world over, are drooling at the opportunity to compete for cash prizes, world fame, and the chance to be deflowered by Bodysoughtfa himself, ME, the one and only Ascension Meister. Even as we speak, young vestal virgins with hot asspirations and huge endowments are readying themselves to submit their wares for consideration. At stake is the chance to become Miss Ascension Mistress for a year. Who better to save yourself for than the Martyr of Barter, the Lord of Testosterone, God's own Gigolo, or Masculino Supreemo. By winning the crown of Miss Ascension Mistress, some lucky babe gets the privilege of ingesting the Meister's lengthy teaching system, consuming the breadth of the Peter Principle, and learning the art of swallowing one's pride (in this case the Meister's).

In next month's installment I, Ascension Meister, will freely detail and embellish the different categories of competition. Together, you and I will preview the merits of each contestant. Examples of questions to be asked of the participants will be examined. We will discuss clues as to what the judges are looking for. Also, quotes from former winners will be shared, along with training hints and beauty tips. So tune in. Remember! "A true labor of love is a blowjob."

Greetings friends and loyal admirers, Ascension Meister here again to pave the way to your eventual enlightenment. In last month's installment, I presented an introduction to My Erotic Circus of the Flesh. As A World Savior, I am bestowing on the virgins of the world sumptuous opportunities to lose that albatross around their necks. Don't be hung up on saving yourself. That is sooo passe these days. Jesus wanted to be here for His second coming, but I showed up instead. I mean 2000 years between orgasms is a bit long, don't you think? These tantric titillators can get carried away with the hole thing. Y2K is really Why To Lay? Why? Cuz if you gotta be in a body, you might as well be in some body. Somebody untainted by the perversion of the world. Springtime fresh. Finger lickin' good, to borrow a line from The Colonel, who knows a bit about thighs himself. Give freely unto Me, and know that I, the Ascension Meister, have prepared a place for you, high upon the throne of my ever-lasting Love Supreme. Save yourself for no one, save Me. Take the Staff in hand and bless the fertile valley. We are mirrors and reflections of each other. I can see myself in you…so anyway, I've included a short summary of the fun to come.

These are descriptions of some of the categories of the Miss Ascension Mistress Extravaganza!

MUSICAL TALENT

Contestants will be asked to demonstrate the ability to play at least one of the following instruments:

1.	The organ
2.	The skin flute
3.	The prickolo
4.	The bone-a-phone

CULINARY TALENT

	Contestants must show the ability to "cook" in bed.
	Contestants will be asked to demonstrate the ability to cook a full 8 course meal, using the Mattel Easy-Bake Oven, in under one hour.
	Contestants will show how to suck a golf ball through a 5 foot length of garden hose, while kneading dough.

BATHING AND BIRTHDAY SUIT COMPETITION

	Contestants must demonstrate the ability to switch between bathing suit and birthday suit seamlessly.
	Bathing suits will be judged on color, originality, translucence, and texture.
	Birthdays suits will judged on shape, feel, taste, and amount of hair.
	Birthday suit will be scrutinized back stage by judges prior to "official" competition.

EVENING GOWN AND LINGERIE COMPETITION

Evening gowns will be judged on imagination and accessibility.

Contestants must show a minimum of 5 different lingerie outfits in the categories of:

A.	sex kitten
B.	leather dominatrix
C.	"Lady of the Evening"
D.	legal secretary
E.	homemaker

PHILSOSPHY AND LIFE PURPOSE

Questions that may be asked of the contestants: 1. As the Ascension Meister's Ambassador of Love you will meet many curious and interesting people. What if some man approached and asked to perform derriere delight with you. You should: A. Turn the other cheek. B. Tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. C. Take it like a man. D. Start panting like a bitch in heat. E. Ask him if he'd like to ride the Hershey Highway.   2. Which phrase most clearly states your personal philosophy. Describe in detail. A. It is easier for a rich man than a poor man to enter my kingdom of heaven. B. My body is a temple, cum worship there. C. The breast things in life are ….enhanced with cosmetic surgery. D. Fuck like a rabbit, eat like a horse; I'm for the animals, of course!   3. What do you believe is the most urgent world problem facing mankind? A. How to feed all the starving bulimic beauty contestants. B. Finding a cure for boredom. C. Healing the anguish of split ends. D. Legalizing the right to dye. E. Providing free Levis for youth in Asia.   4. As Miss Ascension Mistress I promise to promote: A. Myself unashamedly. B. My new book Booty And The Breast. C. My new line of Ascension Meister Beauty Products. D. All of the above.   5. As a Miss Ascension Mistress beauty contestant my most annoying pet peeve is: A. Feeling like I'm being flossed by my thong bikini. B. Leaking silicone. C. Eating less than 200 calories per day. D. Smiling at everyone.   6. If I don't win The Miss Ascension Mistress crown I will probably: A. Become a "working" girl. B. Make my bed and lay in it. C. Start a family. D. Get my boobs tied.

You may well ask, "Where will I see this extraordinary event? On TV? On my computer? Where exactly?"

I, Ascension Meister, have created a major breakthrough in My communications with you. I am linking the electromagnetic impulses of your brain with the electromagnetic impulses of Ascension Meister Space, a.k.a. cyber-space. As you have been reading this on the Internet, the link-up has occurred. This is way beyond ESP. Telepathy, give me a break. This is Ascension Meister's "Wave of the Future". This gives new meaning to the phrase "Surfing the Internet". All you need do is rub Dr. C. Men's "Wacky Wax" on your boards and get ready to ride.

You are now directly linked up with My Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient, Sexually Thrilling Consciousness. "Where", you have asked, "will you find this Miss Ascension Mistress Extravaganza"?

I, Ascension Meister, have linked you to My Consciousness in the following ways:

A.	Day dreams
B.	Night dreams
C.	Wet dreams
D.	In your dreams
E.	Sexual Fantasies

Dream on, loyal admirers. The Erotic Circus Of The Flesh awaits you 24 hours a day, unceasingly. I have established the channel between us. Tune in and you be the judge of the consummate winner of the Miss Ascension Mistress Extravaganza !!!

Testimonials:

Listen to these words from past Miss Ascension Mistress winners:

	"My thighs have seen the coming of the Lord"
		--Ahna Mibak, 1989 winner

	" I was tickled pink as He spread the Word"
		--Cherie Paupin, 1996 winner

	"He's lookin' for Love in all the right places"
		--Ima Flooozie, 1998 winner

	"Spare the rod and spoil the smile"
		--Hornee Forit, Denmark, 1997 winner

	"Hugs and kisses to the hard, working Staff. I'm so choked up it's hard to swallow"
		--Drib Ping Chin, Taiwan, 1995 winner

P.S. By the way, Dr. C. Men's "Wacky Wax" can be found in My catalog: Absolute Essentials In All Sexual Matters.

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