Hidee Hi, my sweet groupies. It's me, Answer Lady, Oh My God!, back again to enlighten you. I realize that it is high time I respond in a BIG way to the numerous letters I get from guys asking, "What is it with females??? What do they want? What makes them tick? What makes them so angry at us?"

I know that sometimes the two genders can seem like completely different species. But it doesn't need to be so mysterious, guys. I, Answer Lady, Oh My God!, will give you some of the basics. So, pay close attention and learn something!

Clothing and hygiene

1.	It isn't sexy to wear sports shorts that are so loose, your balls fall out when you're sitting.
2.	At least smell your shirts before putting them on. If there's an odor, choose again.
3.	If it's shredded and stained, it's a rag, not a shirt.
4.	Unless you have a really great body, please don't go shirtless.
5.	Tank tops and hairy backs don't work.
6.	Fuschia and red really don't work together, nor do turquoise and red. Not even stripes with plaids, and really, really, really not sandals with socks.
7.	Tennis shoes are not dress wear.
8.	No, your body odor is not masculine and sexy.
9.	Foot odor is a huge turnoff.
10.	Greasy hair, too.
11.	Frequent tooth brushing staves off halitosis.
12.	Trim your nose hairs.
13.	Trim your toenails.
14.	Flopping your side hair up over the top of your head doesn't really fool anyone.
15.	That colored spray paint for your bald spot doesn't fool anyone, either.
16.	Neither belly button lint nor toe cheese is fascinating. It certainly is not worth saving.
17.	If you really have to scratch your balls that much, see a doctor. Something must be wrong!

Sex

1.	You made it, YOU sleep in the fuckin' wet spot!
2.	Learn what foreplay is and practice it for hours with your sweetie.
3.	We don't consider a nipple tweak and a finger jammed up inside of us to be foreplay.
4.	Don't kid yourselves, size DOES matter, but not nearly as much as technique.
5.	Monogamy does not have to be monotony - be creative in your lovemaking. It's not just up to us to keep it exciting.
6.	Naming your penis won't necessarily make it more endearing to us.
7.	If we stop faking it, you might stop trying. Neither of us wants that.
8.	No, we're usually NOT up for sex at the end of a big fight.
9.	Don't ask us to dress sexily and then complain about the attention we attract.
10.	Think with your big head, not the little one.
11.	A menage a tois CAN be two guys and a girl.

OOOH ! what a sweet note to pause on. Well, guys, this is just the beginning. Less is more? Well, not in this case. I'll be imparting a parachute full of rescue information next month on relationships. I have a bit more I'd like to share. Yes, I promise to reveal every little morsel of what all women wish they could say to their guy. Remember, guys, you asked for it! Hey, fellas, it's not all about you...or is it? Check in next month, faithful readers, for more invaluable pearls of wisdom from...

Answer Lady, Oh My God!

Get A Clue

Hi Ho! my dear, faithful groupies. Answer Lady, Oh My God! will once again decipher the mysteries of the female gender for all you guys without a clue. Remember those questions about What Women Really Want that we went through last month, guys? Well, I can tell from my September polls that my answers really hit The Spot, so to speak. With the truism that More Is Always Better, I'm giving you the benefit of my wisdom, once again.

Relationships:

1.	Farts are NOT a way of sharing intimacy or showing us how comfortable you feel around us.
2.	Diapers are not just a woman's domain - share the duties with the dirties.
3.	Showing off how in charge you are of the relationship, in order to impress your homeboys, will not actually win you favors with us.
4.	Our purses are not for the purpose of carrying YOUR things around.
5.	We don't need to hear, ad nauseum, about your exploits, conquests, and ex-girlfriends.
6.	We want to see change, not continually hear, "I'm sorry."
7.	Expressing feelings and showing a tender, sensitive side does not make you look weak. It's the fastest way to a woman's heart.
8.	Listening is an active skill, not passive.
9.	Women love deep emotional sharing. Live with it.
10.	There's a difference between child-like and child-ish.
11.	Think of that little string on each tampon as a fuse which can ignite highly combustable material at any moment. PMS means "Probably Menacing Symptoms." Heed the warning.

All about you:

1.	A car is just a car, is just a car.
2.	There's a difference between thrifty and miserly.
3.	When playing with children, let them have a turn with their toys and games, too.
4.	We're underwhelmed with your ability to write your name while pissing.
5.	We're not impressed by the number of tunes you're able to burp.
6.	Please talk to our eyes, not our breasts.
7.	Balls just aren't attractive. Deal with it.
8.	Your disgust for gay men speaks of your homophobia, not your masculinity.
9.	Belching is not a compliment to a great meal in OUR country.
10.	Don't take it apart if you can't put it back together again.
11.	There's no prize for who can consume the most (food or alcohol) in the shortest amount of time.
12.	Cigars are disgusting. Don't even think about lighting one.
13.	Chewing tobacco is disgusting - and that black drool is NOT sexy.
14.	You're not really considered to be an athlete just because you watch sports shows.
15.	If you really knew more than the coaches, YOU'D be the one on TV making all that money.

Heydee Hi, my fabulous followers. It's me, Answer Lady, Oh My God! your best recurring dream. I return to you once again from my Cyberspace escapades. While there I was scopeing out the psychic vibrations of this juicy stew of guys and gals together. It seems you each have a few more ditties of enlightenment you would like to share. I, your Supreme-Hostess-with-the-Mostest-Knowledge, will be happy to assist your engorgement of this knowledge. After all, remember, it is size that counts.

So here's for the guys who want to know it all and for the gals who want to tell it all. It's now time to open those gorgeous eyes and clear those wondrous orifices…your ears of course! …and feast on a few delicious clues for guys and gals; from guys and gals. It's time to combine your juicy energies and conjoin on these 'clues for all'.

1.	Well this day was a total waste of make up.
2.	A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
3.	Do I look like a fucking people person?
4.	I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5.	If I throw a stick will you leave?
6.	You!! Off my planet!
7.	If you want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
8.	Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9.	The bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
10.	Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11.	Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12.	And your cry-baby, whiny-arsed opinion would be?
13.	See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
14.	Allow me to introduce my selves.
15.	Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
16.	Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
17.	Suburbia; where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
18.	Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19.	I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20.	I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21.	Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22.	I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should Ileave the house?
23.	Can I trade this job for what's behind Door # 2?
24.	Okay, Okay. I take it back. Unfuck you.
25.	Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
26.	Nice perfume. Must you marinade in it?
27.	Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
28.	Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
29.	Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
30.	A woman's favorite position is CEO.
31.	Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
32.	And which dwarf are you?
33.	I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
34.	How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35.	It ain't the size, it's the…no, it's the size.

Okay guys and gals time to check the heavy breathing, stop batting those eyelashes, and REVIEW the last three articles of "Get A Clue" You want cosmic relationships? This is it. The Cyberspace news flash… the whole enchilada, …all the morsels of what women wish they could say to their guys, and the guys wish they could say to their girls. Here comes three parachutes full of rescue information on relationships… 'enuff' pearls of wisdom to string mantra beads from here to India! So inhale and do swallow. Time to create those Cyber-relationships!

May the CyberForce be with you.

The Answer Lady, Oh My God!

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