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Dear Answer Lady, Oh My God!,
I have a very personal problem that I definitely need help with. Every morning I wake up with a "chubby" - you know, an erection. I know that this is not unusual. Lots of guys do, I'm sure. My problem is that mine doesn't go away - not for very long, anyway. Sure, I do what any healthy male does. I spank it around a bit 'til it shoots off - but within 20 minutes or less, it's back for more!
I've taken to wearing the loosest of pants and even wearing my shirt tail out when I can get away with it. Chubby doesn't seem to need any stimulation, visual, fantasy or otherwise. I'm just a walking stiffy! Walking, by the way, is not all that easy with a 3rd leg sprouting. Even taking a piss is no easy task.
My so-called friends just laugh at me when I try to share my problem. It's caused me great embarrassment. I am in sales. I often need to give presentations before large groups of people. So far I've had to "take things into my own hands" just before I'm on, but part way through my sales pitch, I've got a whoppin' boner again. Please, please help me with this. My girlfriend is worn out. Plus, she doesn't trust me around other women. She's threatening to leave unless I can take care of this. I've gone to doctors, and they can find nothing wrong with me physically. I'm an emotional wreck, though. Please help.
Dear Woody,
How many men would love to have your problem? How many women would love to assist you with it, as well? But they don't have to live with the nuisance of an extra "appendage", do they? You're clearly a highly sensitized man with an incredible assembly line of sperm always moving along. What happens when you do the opposite; i.e., wear very tight clothing? (Hey, it worked for Tom Jones.) I'm guessing it might squeeze your member into submission. Have you tried visualizing old, leathery, toothless women with bad breath and saggy breasts and butts? Add in a moustache and chewing tobacco and see if that's a big enough turn off. Also, ever think about changing your name?
Another suggestion is to change your profession. Two come to mind instantly: 1) as a stud-muffin, a gigolo, and, 2) as an hourly sperm donor.
Regarding your current girlfriend, I'm sorry she doesn't appreciate all that you have to offer. I'm sure any number of other women would. (I will give you my private pager number if you can't find any.) You might be the kind of man who needs to date many women rather than be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.
Science should run tests on you to see what it is that you have that so many other men want. You could make medical history, Woody. If you could shift your shame and embarrassment into pride, you'd feel a lot better about yourself. By the way, now you know what pregnant women go through trying to walk and pee!
Hang in there - oops, I mean, keep up the good work and let me know how it all comes out!
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