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I know you're out there in your dazed confusion. Yes, you. I see you peering at the screen, seeking clarity. You've come to the right place. I'm the Answer Lady, Oh, My God. I hold the key to your happiness and fulfillment, because I have all of the answers you don't have for yourself.
How, you may well ask, does she do it? What is it about this amazing woman that makes her omnipotent - all seeing and all knowing? Well, I have good genes. Designer genes you might say. I was specially designed to know everyone's business. Oh, yes, I know all about you. Even all that dark, ookey stuff you think you hide so well. I fearlessly go down into your depths of decay and shame and around through it all. So just ask me, I'll tell you exactly what's going on. I have spent lifetimes cultivating these skills of detection. I feed on every lurid detail of your life. I love the melodrama you create each day. Your little life is so busy with business. But then, it fills the fuckin' time.
So, what is it exactly that you want to know? Let me guess. It's about love, right?
"Oh, yes, please, Answer Lady, Oh My God. Will I find my Soul Mate soon, and fall in love, and live happily ever after?"
Ye Gads!! This is always the first question you all want to know about! Well, Okay. Let me settle myself a little bit so I can focus in on you completely. Your truth will be revealed unto me. Bring your face in close to the screen… Okay. There you are. I can see you clearly now.
Well, this is disappointing news I'm afraid, Dearie. You've already met your Soul Mate, and you hated him. You blew him off. That was he a few years ago. The one you were so sarcastic with. You called him a nerd and a geek. He was devastated. It seems he'd had a crush on you for some time. Yep, Waldo was his name. The gangly, awkward, zit-faced young man who tripped over your dog in the park. He spilled his cocoa on you. You accused him of "copping a feel", when he clumsily tried to clean you off. You remember the one with the frizzy hair and the chin stubble? Yeah, Waldo.
Truth be known, you've had numerous lifetimes with Waldo. He was your sister in Siam, your father in South America, a lover, briefly, when you were both soldiers in the British Army, and most recently your wife in Kenya. There have been many more times together too, but in less complicated roles. By the way, Waldo, the nerd, recently got that job at the bank you had interviewed for awhile back.
I, the Answer Lady, Oh, My God, see-all and know all and I'm always willing to tell all. Just as you ask. So, the Answer to your question is - No, you blew it with you Soul Mate. Isn't love a bitch? Next question! Hey, where'd you go? Off somewhere bawling your eyes out I assume. Now you're probably angry with me too… It's not easy being the Answer Lady, Oh, My God. People often don't like what I have to report to them. Well, I say, if you can't hear the truth, don't ask me your fuckin' questions!
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