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For all you culinary wizards out there, and even for you kitchen klutzes, we have a very special taste treat.
Today we're going to cook up a steaming, boiling, bubbling cauldron of RAGE. Now I hope you've all been saving up your rage scraps for this most anticipated concoction.
You will need the following ingredients:
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2 cups of injustices 1 fistful of course, unchopped vindictiveness 6 large, plump grievances 3 ½ tablespoons of finely ground anger 4 cups of hostility 1 quart each of crimes, partialities, & inequities grated together 1 pinch of righteous indignation 1 gallon of resentment - special blend 3 cups of revenge 3 cups of retaliation |
So, let us begin, fellow gastronomes.
First we'll knead 2 heaping cupfuls of injustices which have
been done to us. I know you've been saving those up. They're
probably just ripe and slightly rancid by now - perfect for our
batch!
Next take a large fistful of coarse, unchopped vindictiveness, mixed loosely with 6 large plump grievances and throw them all together in a large mixing bowl.
Now add 3 ½ tablespoons of finely ground anger. Sift in 4 cups of hostility - this is what really brings out the hot, spicy flavor we want. Mix all of these ingredients together and set aside to fester.
Next take another large bowl and with a cheese grater, grate up a combination of 1 quart each crimes, partialities, and inequities which you have been harboring. Mix them together well and add to them a pinch of righteous indignation (the sweetest kind) and watch it combust, ooze, and gurgle.
Now the fun begins. You will need a gallon-sized container filled to the brim with resentment. We know that resentment is best when liberally sprinkled with condemnation, judgement, intolerance, criticism, and prejudice. If all of these are not in your resentment canister, look deeper within yourself and bring them up, or your brew will not be complete. If you can scrounge up some blame while you're in there that will create the crunchy texture which is so desirable and will only add to the mix.
Now we whip it! Whip it good! I want to see a flurry of activity in your kitchens - and you do know I'll be watching! There should be dollops of resentment on your walls and ceiling after the frenzied whipping you've given. You, yourself, may well be caked in it by now.
Next we get to add this last set of ingredients to our well-festered paste which had been set aside earlier. We'll do this in the large cauldron. Simmer for 3 hours.
For the top layer crust of our creation, we will use a spatula to spread on 3 cups each of revenge and retaliation - this also helps to seal in the juices.
There you have it, all you growling gourmets, a bubbly Cauldron of Rage. Eat heartily.
For February, the month of Love, I will concoct especially for Valentines Day, a delicious batch of Jealousy. Until then, I remain your epicurean emissary,
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