|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Question:
How can I find my perfect Soul
Mate?
Answer:
So, Sweetie Pie, you wanna know how to find the man of your dreams,
your Soul Mate? Easy. The best way is to first dream about him.
How do you dream him into being? Simple. One half hour before
retiring, eat four pieces of double pepperoni pizza-manna for
heaven. You must eat the pizza in front of the TV. The electromagnet
waves from your TV, combined with the carbos from the pizza creates
the perfect electro-carbo load for bedtime dreaming and visualizing.
Once you've prepared your body, it is next necessary to prepare
your mind. This can be done in one of two ways: the most simple
is, of course, to tape a likeness (either exact or a replica)
of your soon-to-be lover to your forehead. It is very important
to tape the replica directly onto your forehead, with the picture
directly touching your "third eye". This will give
your dream and vision additional power by linking your vision
directly to the Group Of Twelve (GOT) masters who are responsible
for your life's dream. As you place the replica onto your forehead,
repeat this mantra "Oh, GOT guides. Give me this night one
of your rides. My vision is clear, so bring him near, that I
might see my beloved
dear." In order for this mantra to work, you must repeat
it 15 times aloud before falling asleep. GOT responds only to
mantras spoken aloud, in complete sincerity.
Now, Dearie, the second way to prepare your mind is to place an amethyst crystal on your crown chakra at the top of your head. Once you've placed the crystal on your crown chakra, you are ready to enlist the aid of the Listening Under Cover Klan (LUCK). By the way, extended periods of contact between your crystal and crown chakra will strengthen your LUCK. I have found that if I tape the crystal to my crown chakra, the LUCK response is nearly instantaneous. You have now done your homework. Leave the rest to LUCK. And, of course, in real life, it helps to wear purple.
Question:
I am having a terrible time at work. My boss complains that I
am always late and that I talk on the phone to much. Honestly!
How can he expect me to dress, fix my nails, watch my favorite
morning show, style my hair AND drive to work by 9:00 a.m.? I
put my make-up on during my drive to work. I try to make my phone
calls on the way in, but I can't seem to finish all of them AND
my make-up AND watch for the cops in my rear view mirror. Can
you help me make him understand that I just need a little more
time?
Answer:
Yes, in-deedy, Honey Child, I know just what you mean. I had
a boss like that in my last job (before I became the Answer Lady).
I tried everything I could think of until one day
out of the blue, it just came to me. It was like lightening,
you know? The solution was so simple, I mean my cat could have
done it. Actually, I think the idea did come from my cat. She's
psychic, you know? You do know that cats are psychic,
don't you? Anyway, I just knew what to do. I made a little rag
doll. I colored exact replicas of my boss' black eyes onto the
face; I made a nose which protruded just like his-and, I even
sewed on a little thingy-just like I imagined his would be. Then,
you know what I did? I snipped his little thingy right off! I
sure did! I didn't think much about it until, just one week later,
his wife got mad at him and did exactly that. I know I must have
given her the idea, or I must have known it was going to happen,
or something. I mean, because how else can you explain it? Pure,
dumb luck, I always say.
|
| Back to Answer Lady, Oh My God! |